When it's time to tell you how or what I’m thinking. I am still not sure if it's right. The right time that is. When is it a good time to let you know that what we talked about last time has changed? Only if I could see the future I would know how you are going to react. That would make things simpler. Not knowing what you will say, think, or feel has me trapped behind the untruth. Just enough of the truth not to be a lie. But that’s bullshit because a half-truth is a whole lie. So why do I find myself seeking justification for what I think you might question. I am trapped by my leader. Not pinky but the Brain. And it's insulated from all the members of my being. In an attempt to avoid making you feel some kind of way. Trying to show you the only way we know how to prove the love we confess. I align my actions to coddle your fears. This should be simple because you do it for me. (right, wrong) It’s your choice, yet you expect me to consider the things you do because this is a situation we face together. Look look look at all the other people out in this world that are able to do this thing I ask of you for their mate. To that I say, for sure they have not walked in my shoes to view my value for this thing that I have tranquilized for the idea of us. I am reminded of our limbs when the veins are compressed and we get that numb feeling, we call that extremity sleep. It’s like I sat on the toilet for 3 hours then stood up and tried to run. It for sure, is not your fault that my legs are coming back. But unfortunately, you have to grow or attach legs to a part of your being not meant for them. That or get left. The size, length, and strength of, is on you, no pun. This could be fun or painful, likely a little of both. In high school, there was a group of young men. I was not an official member of this group but fit in where and when I needed to. They had an idea that I related to. Camouflage Chameleons, fit in without being noticed to survive and attack when the time is right or when you need to. To this day there is a tattoo of that reptile on my forearm. I don’t remember what point I was trying to make when I started typing this today. Oh yeah, about not feeling caged by your fear and hurt. The act of fucking someone that is not your mate. Is technically an impossible statement. Simply because if you are fucking them they are your mate at that moment. So the act of fucking another without the consent of the person you have entered an agreement with that you will not entertain another human in a vulnerable way. Sharing intimacy, that being sexual relations or deep and dark secrets. I don’t have a fear of sharing intimacy. But you are wired in a way that stirs up negative emotions to know that the person you share your intimacy with can also withstand the intimacy of others. This boils down to jealousy. The act of sharing intimacy is not a crime. Nor does it cause physical pain. That’s true whether you watched it happen or learned about 10 years down the line. Yes, there is some risk when sharing intimacy with others. Pregnancy, STDs, or someone using your intellectual property for personal gain. I will state again, death is coming. Today, tomorrow, 20 or 60 years from now. What true good is life if you have not lived because you held yourself back to save someone else's emotional feelings? There is an influx of information on emotional damage. I don’t have a Ph dummy, I mean D in emotions. But that does not stop me from having a basic understanding of emotions. There is hoopla about emotional abuse. Ok, I am going to say the same thing I just said but going to change the word emotions with synonyms or words with the same meaning. 

What true good is life if you have not lived because you held yourself back to save someone else's thinking or thought process. There is an influx of information on thinking and damage to the thought process. I don’t have a Ph dummy, I mean D on thinking or thought process. But that does not stop me from having a basic understanding of thinking and thought processes. There is a big hoopla about thinking and thought process abuse. Dictionary.com defines emotion 1. An Affective state of consciousness (awareness of one's existence), in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like is experienced. As distinguished from cognitive (or pertaining to the act or process of knowing, perceiving, remembering, etc) and volitional (the act of willing, choosing, or resolving) states of consciousness. So emotions are the outward expression of how we deal with thoughts. Knowing this we guide our lives to ease the thoughts or emotions of others. Not always knowing what nuggets of information or the order in which it was received in their mindset when they got it, and how they processed it. The only way past this junction in human behavior is transparency. MJ said it best with the man in the mirror. It starts with not lying to yourself. Then being honest with those in your immediate circle. With hopes that honesty will catch blaze like wildfire. What we think is important. There is no emotional abuse if all you have is truth and honesty to make your decision on. 

Step two is remembering that your head region has one mouth, two ears, and one brain that controls them both. If you spend all your time talking, you can’t be hearing anything. If all you do is hear you are not sharing. Listening to rebut or argue a point is not listening, but taking a few minutes to understand what is and why the information is being relayed. 

How to take control of your emotions. Thoughts aren’t forced but they are extremely vulnerable to outside influences. A number of authors have helped me to learn how to deal with ideas that stir up uncomfortable emotions. Book titles like ‘The power of now’, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’, and ‘The subtle art of not giving a fuck’. All have a common theme. First, how has that action(s) of others actually impacted us? Meaning not just on an emotional level. In other words not just how we think it affected us. Rather, has it cost us money, food, or property. Place the value in categories of significance. Consider what you do know or don’t know for that matter. Can or does the unknown change the value system in place. 

Have you ever caught yourself upset because the person you consider to be a mate is having or have had fun or some level of enjoyment without you? Whether that be a random night at the bar or some form of sexual pleasure with another, maybe even masturbation. 

Notice that I try to refrain from saying my or your mate. Subconsciously to claim people in that manor indicates ownership. That is my blank, and they should not or would not do that to me. I even think of my nigga in used inappropriately. Nigga not being the focus of my unsuitableness. It's MY that I have trouble with. To me, that’s what the slave owners did. Get us to make claims of property or people. Nigga was a title my made the Nigga his. That nigga there is a good friend to me, epuals that’s my nigga. That claim is real. A few months back I heard a story. A relative that moved away from his home town in New Jersey came back to visit after a long sabbatical. Excited to be back, but only in town for a short time, linked up with a couple of lifelong friends. Those that have shared different levels of intimacy bonding the relationships. Friend A and friend B are familiar with each other, not great friends themselves, but no disdain between them. Something sparked a conversation about who has a claim to be a better friend. The argument sounds like this, friend A ‘you don’t understand that’s my nigga’ friend b returns with ‘whatever nigga that’s my nigga, we blank blank blank...’. This led to justifying the friendship by regurgitating past accounts in life that trumps the validity of the others to claim better friend status. It’s the emotions or thoughts that were etched into existence that makes each of their arguments valid and true. Meaning that both hold a value. If the relative were to pass today both Friend A & B would likely be volunteer pallbearers. See but ego tells me that in the heat of discussion both friends A & B sought validation. Meaning they wanted to know that if A & B were at odds which would relative support? If you got a call in the middle of the night around the same time and were both requesting assistance who would you help first. This is the type of mental insurance a mate that has been vulnerable during intimacy wants. That mental insurance is in jeopardy when a mate feels that your level of intimacy with another may tear down or reduce the chance of you responding to them first.

All that to say separate your thoughts from the part of your emotions that are unhealthy. Worrying about things that cannot be changed. Remembering it's not what happens to you but how you react to it. Many may call me cold-hearted for that state of mind. But if more only gave a fuck when it was their turn we would be better off. Shout out to Bunke and the writers from ‘The Wire’. Being able to discuss differences in thinking, opens us to new ideas. Hating someone or treating them subpar for thinking differently should be the crime. Choosing what you want to be a part of is key. When what seems to be small details are extracted from scenarios it makes it difficult to make sound decisions. How would the world look next year if every untruth is corrected? Every lie is replaced with facts of the matter. I know that is an impossible, what IF?